Fifty Shades Beginning Again
by SD130413
Summary: It's been five and a half years since Ana lost the love of her life, the father of her children, the man of her dreams. Life has changed drastically since then, with that there are new challenges, new friends, new faces, but the same old Ana... or maybe not! How has life turned out? This story is the sequel to Fifty Shades Written HOWEVER it can actually stand alone too!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi Guys, and welcome to the third in the trilogy that began with Fifty Shades Unwritten. This is Fifty Shades Beginning Again, it is originally planned to be a one shot but if you want more TELL ME SO and I'll give you more – **

**Remember! Five and a half years has passed since the last chapter of Fifty Shades Written, please keep an open mind!**

_**Friday 9th August 2019**_

Everything is ready. It's been a long road in getting to this point and there were times I wouldn't think we'd make it but we have. I take a deep breath and position myself at the door that exits out into the garden of my Mercer Island home, my hand smoothing down my champagne knee high chiffon dress, the one strap sitting on my shoulder comfortably holding it up. There's a small, thin ribbon around the waist that gives me some shape too.

My right hand clings tight to the small bouquet of champagne sprayed daisies and violet roses. They're just small, for show more than anything else. No fuss, that's what we decided. We've done fuss.

As the beginning of the song _Breathe_ by Faith Hill begins to play. I breathe in and I feel Christian here with me, today I feel him more than I have ever felt him before, who'd have thought it?

I walk forward and open the double doors then turn to look at the wooden dock at the end of the garden. I see him look at me as our family stands side on making the aisle and I feel nothing but happiness and love.

The song picks up as I near the edge of the dock where the rose and daisy covered archway is standing with the registrar and the smile on my face widens, if that's even possible.

His hand reaches out to me and I grasp it tight as the song picks up, our family begin to clap and I cast a quick glance around to see the smiling faces of our extended family all looking towards us, as happy as we are that we've made it to this point.

Then my eyes fall back on him and I see his tears and blink back my own as I smile, this is already perfect. We sway to the music until it fades away and I pass my flowers over to India so both our hands can be together.

"We are gathered here today…" I fade out, lost in the eyes of the man who put me together again and showed me I could love again, everything is perfect, so simple yet perfect. Our beautiful garden is completely decorated for this event, covered in champagne and lilac chiffon and silk, covered with twinkling fairy lights and candles, along the trees of our green garden and around the dock and even floating tea lights in the water, it's simple, minimal. Just like my dress and the flowers in my hair.

My darling looks so handsome in a simple white shirt with a pair of champagne coloured shorts. We're both, as promised, bare footed. It was something we wanted to do, no reason for it in particular but we did it.

The sun is just beginning to set over Lake Washington and our entire family is here, what more could we want?

"Our couple have written their own vows…"

I nervously look at the man that has been there for me through everything, the ups and the downs, the heartache and the healing and I know that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I'm so happy. He speaks first.

"Ana, I promise to be by your side, keep you strong, comfort you, honour and always protect you, be your husband, your partner, your best friend and equal. I will make you smile through any tears, laugh through any hardships and most importantly and above all else I will love you and hold your love in my heart, for now, the journey life takes us on, until the day I die."

I wipe away my tears, the final four words were the one part of our vows we shared, we had both written it, because we realise that though our love may be forever our marriage won't be, it's something I really struggled to come to terms with but something I understand now, it doesn't mean the love will ever die but the death of one of us would mean the death of our marriage and it's almost permission to love again and move on. We both understand that.

"My love for you will always show, when I stand by your side or a world away, when I hold and comfort you, when I honour you and the vows we make today, when I protect you, your dreams and your life. I will be your wife, through all we face good and bad, hard and easy. I will love you, hold your love in my heart for now, the journey life takes us on, until the day I die."

"Now for the exchanging of rings."

Three children walk together with one box holding two gold wedding bands. I remove on and he the other and I give him my hand.

"This ring will proclaim my love for you to the world." The ring is a perfect fit, it should be seeing as we bought them together.

I place the ring on his finger and he wipes away a tear with his other hand making me giggle a little.

"This ring will proclaim my love for you to the world." I whisper almost choking up on my own tears.

I stand and look into the eyes of my beloved feeling happier than I thought possible. His eyes are looking back at me, tears filling them as the registrar proclaims our marriage and vows to our family but we don't listen, we're replaying the vows we've just made inside out heads, accepting that we're finally here after a journey that hasn't always been easy.

"I can now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride."

We lean into one and other and softly, our lips meet. It's gentle, soft, a kiss not a make out, our lips just caressing each other while our family cheer loudly, they've waited so long for this moment.

"I know give you Mr and Mrs…"

I laugh before the word is out, we've already agreed that I will always keep my surname and not take his on. Not that it matters, he understands that I need my name for work and for a reminder of the one that came first.


	2. Chapter 2

**Check out the dates, some chapters will be FLASHBACKS of things that happened over the past five years relating to our couple! I will have those chapters all in Italics to give you a helping hand.**

**Just in case I don't get the chance to update while in London, here's another chapter!**

_**Saturday 14th March 2015**_

_One year, three months and thirteen days since that fateful car crash that killed my husband, one year, three months and thirteen days since I lost the man that meant so much to me, the only man to ever touch me, love me, cherish me. _

"_Hey Ana we're almost there." _

_I grin, for the past few months I have been completing Christian's "bucket list" not long before Thanksgiving and over Christmas Christian and I spoke of things that we would like to do in the coming years together and or with our children and I am determined to do all those I remember._

_I have since written them down, there's near one hundred things to do and I'm doing them one by one, this is one of the things I think he was most excited for, something he wanted to do in his life long before he met me but was too busy working to ever consider actually doing it, maybe he was waiting until retirement or something. I don't know. _

_Peru is a beautiful place but hiking the Inca Trail is why I'm here and we're almost done, just a few more steps. _

"_Yes!" I gasp as we finally make it, I can't believe we've hiked the entire trail. _

_Suddenly I'm picked up and spun around and I cling tight to my companion, the man who has been with me on this journey of self-healing and remembrance._

"_I can't believe we did it." He says smiling and setting me back on my feet but he continues to hold tight around my waist, keeping me up against him. _

_It doesn't feel unnatural or wrong because it isn't sexual. I grin at him, so happy that we've just done something else on our list. _

"_I can't either, one more done."_

"_They'd all be so proud of us." He says breathlessly and I laugh, yes they would, a couple of people in particular would be at the least. _

_In a moment of silence we reflect a little, but I find myself looking into his eyes, they speak so loud, I see his pain but I also see his healing. His eyes are on my face and in a brief flicker they glance at my lips and before I've even considered anything or what that could mean his lips are on mine. _

_They feel so soft, the kiss feels so gentle, caring, loving… He just holds them there, asking me to reciprocate and… I do. _

_I press my lips against his and kiss him back, neither one of us does anything other than press our lips to each other in a gentle kiss but as we break away and he hugs me the guilt creeps up on me like a car crash. _

"_I can't." I say tearfully pulling away from him, he looks so sad._

"_I know." He nods and I take his hand. _

"_I'm sorry." I say and he smiles. _

"_You have nothing to be sorry about, just this past year with you Ana has been perfect… I wanted you to feel that."_

"_And I do." I say desperate not to ruin this trip because of a kiss. "Thank you… that was… nice." I smile and he laughs defeated. "Really nice I just wasn't expecting it and I didn't expect to feel like this after it."_

"_How did it make you feel?" He asks looking me dead in the eyes, of the past year I have learned to be the master of hiding my emotions, I needed everyone to know I was fine, especially the kids, even when I wasn't. _

"_Good." I say and he sighs. "It did, will you listen to me?" I snap as he looks like he's going into a huff, this past year hasn't been without its arguments between us. He finally looks at me again and I smile. "I like it and I want to do it again." He looks at me in complete surprise. "But not now, as much as I liked it… it's too soon for me… I feel guilty… I feel confused because you're the first person to kiss me since… since… him…" I close my eyes as tears spark, I don't want this day to be clouded by this. _

"_I understand." He says lifting my chin up and making my eyes meet his. "If anyone understands it's me. I get it Ana. Just let's not ruin this day because of my impulse ok? Let's go back to the hotel, shower up and go to dinner just as friends. I have no expectations Ana I just didn't know how to tell you what I wanted to and kissing you felt like a way of telling you, you healed me Ana, don't you see that? Get that?"_

"_You healed me too." I reply trying to fight against the burning desire to tell him we're taking the first flight out of here because I know that someday I'm going to try and move on again and so I have to get over this guilt, pain and shame I'm feeling because I kissed a man who has been like a husband without the benefits to me for the past year. _

"_Ok. Good. Come on, let's go eat I'm starving." He walks off ahead of me as I chuckle, yeah this is just like him. _

_The walk back is silent for both of us but it normally is after we've done something, it gives us a chance to reflect. _

_I always try imagining what Christian would say or do when we finish something, how he would react. I can see his face glowing in my mind, his pride on display and not hidden behind his CEO persona. In my head I talk to him, letting him know how completing his list connects me to him even though he's gone. _

_Maybe that's what I need to do. Stepping into a relationship of any kind, even just dating, while on this trip would be wrong, it would be disrespectful seeing as I'm doing everything in Christian's memory but remembering what he said to me when I "died" I know I have his blessing to be happy again, to love again, and that should be the last thing on my list, when I've finally finished this journey of remembering him and healing myself, the last thing on the list should be to fall in love again. That could be with the man by my side, who has been through this journey with me or it may be with someone that's in my future, someone I haven't met yet. Either way, Christian wanted me to move on, be happy and love again and who am I to disagree?_


	3. Chapter 3

**HUGE thank you to everyone who has wanted me to continue, sorry about the delay. I don't know when the next chapter will be up, I want to upload torn between two and Sins before the fourth chapter of this!**

**Steff x**

_**Sunday 12th August 2019**_

"Luke." I groan in appreciation as hands travel down my body, there is no better way to wake up on your first morning in Australia than at the hands of your husband.

"Good morning Babe." Luke smiles as I roll over to face him.

We didn't fly out till late last night in Seattle, due to the fact yesterday was the anniversary of Hannah's accident and as tradition required it Luke and I went to Hannah's grave and lit a candle, sang a song and then I left him to have his own private moments with her and their daughter by sitting in the car on the laptop doing some work for an hour or so.

We didn't plan on getting married the day before the anniversary of Hannah's death, it just happened to be the easiest day for us and Luke promised he didn't mind on the condition we were in Seattle on the anniversary so that meant delaying out honeymoon by one day. It didn't bother me, we've been in Seattle for special dates every time, such as the anniversary of Christian's death, the anniversary of the day I met Christian and our wedding anniversary and for Luke it's the anniversary of the accident, the anniversary of her legal death and their wedding anniversary.

It's probably very strange for everyone around us, we love each other and being together so much but we won't let go of the ones that came first. Christian will always have a place in my heart and a piece of me died with him in that car but if anyone understands that completely it's Luke, Hannah will always be in his heart and a part of his heart died in the car with her too.

Of course, our loved ones live on in our memories and in our children and though Hannah calls me Mom and James called Luke Dad they know the truth, India however has never called Luke Dad, which he and I both understand. I mean, she has photographs of herself with Christian, videos, memories. I tell her stories all the time, whenever she wants to know about the enigma that was her father.

"We should call the kids." Luke says as he nuzzles my neck, I love the feel of his breath on my bare skin like this, it sometimes remind me of how lonely I was sleeping alone for those months after Christian's death. The darkness that loneliness bought was awful. "What's the time difference?"

"Seventeen hours, we're seventeen hours ahead of them."

"So it's like yesterday there?"

"Yeah, we basically travelled two days in less than that." I chuckle at my own lame explanation at logic.

"Well Babe we have eight days of travelling around this magnificent country, so we should call the kids before we head off to the Great Barrier Reef."

I nod in agreement and reach over the phone. Our honeymoon is going to be like nothing anyone could possibly imagine. We're going to complete something else on our list, something that happened to be on both Christian and Hannah's list and that is to snorkel and dive in the Great Barrier Reef then we're going to travel to different parts of Australia just for us.

"Hello India baby." I smile as Luke kisses the back of my shoulder. "Are you having fun with Grandma Grace and Grandpa Carrick?"

_Yes Mommy, are you and Luke having fun?_

"We've only just woke up princess and getting ready to go and finish one of Daddy and Hannah's dreams." I smile at the mere thought.

_Mom, will we be doing anymore of Daddy's dreams with you? _

India loves the idea of completing some of Christian's list with us, we include the kids in as much as we can but there are some things I know Christian had planned that didn't involve taking India and James and so it's easy for me to juggle and choose.

"We're going to travel the UK together next summer when you're off school as planned baby but I don't know, we'll see."

_I'm going to do Daddy's list all over again when I'm bigger._

I smile, that's my India, she has Christian's personality, she's so strong and happy and I love her so much.

"He'd like that very much princess." I reassure and I can tell she's smiling. "Now do you want to talk to Luke or are you going to put James on for me?"

_Jamie!_ India yells making me flinch and Luke laugh. _Say hi to Luke for me Mommy and have fun!_ India sings before the phone exchanges hands.

I know the phone on loud speaker now for James, the only father he's ever known is Luke and somehow, sadly, I know what that means because of my relationship with Ray. He will always see Luke as his Father even though he has love for Christian it will never be the same love as he has for Luke and that saddens me more for Christian, it hurts to know that.

_Hey Mom, hey Dad_

"Hello Son." We both reply together making James laugh, he's five and half years old and Christian's complete double, he knows that from pictures and he does say he wants to be just like Christian when he's older. He's seen videos of Christian talking to him when he was still inside me so he knows his father loves him and he knows what type of man Christian was.

_Are you going to bring us presents back with you?_

Of course, that's all a five year old would really care about.

"I'm sure we will." Luke answers making James whoop and holler out to his Sisters.

_Ok well I miss you but Grandpa Carrick and me are going to grill fish so I miss you have fun…_

"Grandpa and I!" I yell even though the phone is already exchanging hands again.

_Hi Mom, hi Dad._ Hannah's small voice comes on, she's the middle child, only three months older than James but she is definitely like her mother, shy and unsure of herself in strange situations.

"Hi baby." I smile to Luke, he knows that I love being a mother figure to Hannah, and somehow I know Hannah would be glad that her daughter has someone, she's so different to Christian that I know if I could speak to her then her reaction would be completely different.

_I miss you guys._

"Are you having fun with Grandma and Grandpa?" I ask as Luke smiles sadly, I know he finds it harder being away from Hannah than I do from the kids.

_Yes. I just wish you guys were here._

"I know baby but we'll be home in a few days ok and we'll bring you something nice from Australia." Luke promises and I smile, if we have favourites then Hannah really is his, though admittedly it makes sense seeing as she is the only child biologically his!

_Just have fun and remember Mommy Hannah and Christian when you're swimming._

She absolutely melts my heart and I smile sadly at Luke, she's so precious.

"We will sweetie pie." I say and Luke kisses my cheek, this is a honeymoon yes but the memory of our first marriages, first true loves will be with us for the entire journey.

_Ok well I'm going to bake with India and Grandma Grace, so will you call again?_

"Of course." Luke replies as I try not to get choked up, I always miss our kids when we're away which is around three times a year without them and twice with them, sometimes for a few days other times a couple of weeks, our longest was three and half weeks but that was when India was three, not long before James turned two.

Bye!

"Bye." We reply just as the phone is handed over to Grace.

_Hello lovebirds how is Australia? _

It's shocking still to me that the reason Luke and I are where we are now is because of this woman, Luke and I had done nothing more than kissing and tried to have sex when Grace caught us in the middle of town in a liplock, we were busted, that night Grace and I had a very long heart to heart where she said that I had to move on and be happy because it's what Christian would want and if that was with Luke then he already had her blessing. It was all the permission I needed nearly.

"We've seen nothing so far Grace, we're heading out to the Great Barrier Reef this morning after breakfast though."

_Oh of course you're so far ahead of us there, well you two just have fun and let us worry about the kids._

"You'll call if there's a problem? Don't worry about the time difference."

_Of course I will but there won't be a problem, just relax and have a good time. _

"Ok Mom, I love you and send my love to the rest of the family too."

_Love you too Ana and Luke. Bye, have fun._

"She couldn't get off the phone quick enough." I chuckle as I put the phone down.

"I think she figured we were still in bed and there were much more important issues for us to deal with." He says as his hand strokes up my thigh. I roll over to face him and smile broadly, the second man whose ever had my heart and my body, there was only him after Christian, no one else ever had the chance though I admit a few tried, even I tried a few dates and liplocks but no one ever affected me like Christian and I realised that it wouldn't happen ever again, not like that.

Luke and I make love in our hotel room before getting everything packed into our backpacks, we've booked this room for the week even though we won't stay here again until the last night of our honeymoon. We have backpacks with all the clothes we'll need and room for water bottles and snacks and money, it's all we need for this adventure.

After breakfast we head out hand in hand, our backpacks are on our backs, our sunglasses perched on our noses and we're wearing very little clothing, August in Australia is perfect weather to be walking around wearing near nothing.

We're greeted by the personal tour guide we've hired for this adventure of ours. His name is Adam Lloyd and he will be guiding us through the day as we do numerous activities around the Great Barrier Reef in memory of Hannah and Christian.

"Good morning Mr and Mrs Sawyer." He smiles, he has a gorgeous white smile and a sexy Australian accent, if I hadn't just married I think I would be flirting about now!

"Please call me Luke." My husband smiles as he shakes Adam's tanned hand. "And this is my wife Ana."

"Hi nice to meet you." I say politely as he shakes my hand, Luke grins at me and I can't help but laugh, he isn't the jealous type, more teasing because he knows no matter who catches my eye no one will ever match up to him to me and it's him that I'll make love to in bed tonight… well actually probably in the backseat of the convertible we've hired for the trip!

"Ok so we're gonna start with the helicopter ride over the coast, then we'll get you back down to earth and we'll snorkel the shallows before lunch then after we've eaten we'll do a hike across the ground and allow our meals to settle before we get you in a yacht and into the water, does that sound ok folks?"

I nod eagerly, I am so excited. The crazy thing about all this for Luke and I is that we don't have to worry about the cost. We haven't had to save up for months for this and it's perfect, of course Luke will never and can never make a penny from GEH, but after he realised he couldn't be my security anymore because he was distracted by me and not being vigilant when we were out and about I helped him set up his own security company with AG inc which has him and Taylor (who put in an investment so that he knew there would be a good generation in security when he retired) training people in the art of CPP, I have Taylor with me about ninety percent of the time when I'm working but when I'm doing personal stuff I have a new security guard called Howell who is big, burly and black. He's scary looking but he's a teddy bear but he calls me Mrs Grey and stays ten feet away from me unless necessary to be closer which allows me to go out and about with some semblance of normality and privacy.

Once we've put our backpacks away we get kitted out for the helicopter ride. It makes me laugh because one of the things I did to commemorate Christian was learn to fly and I can now confidently fly the second generation eurocopter Charlie Golf Tango also known as CG2 or CGII. By the time I had learned to fly Charlie Tango was not the safest helicopter and knowing Christian like I do I had the poor little helicopter stripped and had the company recycle the parts to make the new chopper so it really is a re-incarnation of Charlie Tango. The most exciting thing of course is taking Luke and the kids up in the helicopter, they love it and Luke knows when I'm in the air I feel the closest to Christian, again it's what's so amazing about being with someone that just understands and never questions. I love him all the more because of that.

Luke helps me into the helicopter and it makes me giggle when he hoists me up by putting his hand on my ass and getting a good fondle, I can't resist a wiggle in his direction as I pull myself up and pick one of the seats by the open side and buckle myself up. Luke sits opposite me while I pull on my headphones and I think it's obvious to the tour guide that I know what I'm doing, I mean my little baby is easy for me to fly and it's more complex than this machine. Luke buckles himself up and pulls on his headphones all the while grinning happily at me.

"So Ana, you fly often?" The tour guide asks me as the pilot begins his pre-flight checks.

"Fly often? You could say that." I grin at him while Luke chuckles. "I fly a eurocopter five five hundred."

"Wow, I am impressed though I must say I know nothing about helicopters."

"Just that it's safest and most reliable helicopter money can buy." Luke tells him because in all honesty Luke has no idea either.

"A woman who can fly a helicopter, I'm shocked, what made you do that?"

Now it's awkward, I look towards Luke who reaches over and takes my hand.

"Ana's deceased husband was an avid flyer, she decided to learn after he died though if he were alive he probably wouldn't let her even sit in the pilots' seat." Luke jokes making me laugh too, way to save it.

"Sorry to hear about your husband but you're obviously happy now." He signals Luke and I grin and nod, wouldn't have said it five years ago but yeah, I'm happier than I ever thought I would be again.

In the air and I am in awe. I can see why Christian and Hannah wanted to experience this. The beauty is just indescribable, the water is stunning, it's beautiful aqua and blue and wow.

"The water is like your eyes!" Luke shouts making me blush, yeah I still have that habit too.

The islands scattered around are so lovely, dotted all in the water like emeralds in a sea of sapphires. Luke and my eyes meet a few times, wide smiles on our faces, no words needed for this moment.

Tears of joy and sadness mix in my eyes, I can only imagine for a moment being here with Christian and like always, as I complete one of his dreams, I feel his presence, his spirit right with me and a quick look towards Luke, he's thinking of Hannah and being with her.

His hands reach forward and cup mine and once more we're together, our loved ones pushed to the back of our minds, like it has been since we first got together. It's just special.

"Can you see that beach just there?" He yells pointing with one hand while the other keeps a grip on my hand. It's on the main land and I nod to the obvious secluded area. "We're having dinner there, it's a private beach, we can see the sunset before setting off on the road."

I melt, my romantic Luke. I have learned so much about him over the past five and a half years, even more since our relationship started. Seems like so long ago sometimes but other times it feels like no time at all. We've already been together longer than I was with Christian and he was with Hannah, our marriage didn't happen till we were already living our lives like a married couple but I already feel something has changed between us since we exchanged vows, something now links us together properly forever. An invisible bond of the souls.

When we land I hug and kiss Luke excitedly, flying does in fact make me horny and Luke knows that but there's nothing we can do about it here as we're guided to get our snorkelling gear. I strip quickly down to the skimpy white bikini. Yeah two kids and nearly thirty and I can still get away with wearing a bikini, that's running two marathons every year for the past four and doing a lot of dancing and singing.

Luke and I get in the water together and I think the instructor figures out we've both snorkelled before and leaves us to it, just standing off to the side making sure we don't do anything wrong while we paddle in the shallow water hand in hand. Everything looks so amazing, it's magical to see these wildlife with my own eyes and not just in pictures.

When we swim over a tortoise I run my hand over its shell, it's amazing, shocking to feel it. Another fish comes so close both Luke and I touch it and it doesn't mind, it swims around us before swimming off.

By the time we've been swimming for an hour and make it back to the beach I'm in complete awe as is Luke, that's an experience that I could relive over and over again.

We eat lunch basking in the sun in just our skimpy swimwear and afterwards we pull on some clothes and boots to go for a hike. I walk with my hand locked in Luke's just enjoying myself. The view is amazing, the wildlife further up the coast is stunning.

I stop to collect a shell while Luke and Adam continue to walk, oh it's so pretty! Shit, they're going without me. As I pick up a jog to catch up to them I surprise Luke by diving onto his back, with our backpacks left behind in Adam's truck there's nothing stopping my front from crashing into Luke's back, my arms wrapping around his neck.

"I love it when you do that Babe." Luke chuckles as his hands slip under my thighs and I'm pushed further onto his hips.

"Well you know I love doing it." I tease, from the first time I did it when Luke nearly toppled face first he now anticipates me coming. I suspect he actually senses me now, when I'm behind him he knows it's coming.

"You can put me down now." I breathe into his ear and I feel his whole body shake against mine, it makes me smirk, I love doing things like that to him.

"I don't want to put you down." He replies tightening his grip. I kick my legs and true to his word he keeps a hold of me, there's no way he's letting me down!

"LUUUUKE!" I yell playfully making Adam our tour guide laugh, while I flail helplessly on Luke's back. He laughs huskily, I love his playful side, I never got to see it when he was just my bodyguard,

"Oh babe you can kick all you want I've got you caught." He says making me giggle, I love our playful time which is ninety percent of our time together.

"You had me caught at I do Luke." I say teasingly but I see Adam smile politely, yeah, yeah, I know, Luke and I are pretty cute together… well according to the national and international press anyhow.

"I think I had you caught way before I do baby girl, way before I do." He replies giving my thighs a squeeze as I drop a heavy playful kiss on his cheek and hold tighter around his shoulders in a sort of hug, I love how he drops his head against my cheek in a silent reply to my attention.

Luke carries me for a few more feet before thankfully he puts me down to walk back to the awaiting van and to get ready to get on the boat to dive.

I'm so excited. This part of the holiday was planned a long time ago, way before we set our wedding date, in all honesty, this day is not the first day of our honeymoon, that begins tomorrow. We were actually planning on flying out, staying one night, visiting the Great Barrier Reef, staying one more night before flying back but with our wedding just fitting it was best to finish today off as planned before the honeymoon, I offered and Luke offered flying somewhere else for our honeymoon but putting it off for three days after our marriage is too much for either of us, so we decided to have our honeymoon right here in Australia.

Once kitted out in our wet suits we help Adam load our gear onto the yacht and meet our Captain for this trip.

"So you've both dived before?" Adam asks as we set sail on the beautiful yacht called Magic.

"Yes, in the Mediterranean about a year ago, we're both licenced." Luke replies, that trip was one of the things Hannah wanted to complete and we went on holiday for a week and took Gail and Taylor along with us and the two of us took one day away from the kids to fulfil Hannah's dream.

"I knew you were, it makes things a lot easier for me." Adam chuckles. "Do you also sail? Neither of you are uncomfortable moving around a boat."

"I own a yacht called the Grace." I reply and Luke gives me a sad smile and squeezes my shoulder.

The Grace is one of the few items belonging to Christian that I still own. He had that boat made, he designed every aspect of it and named it after his mother, the woman who saved him. She gave him a life and my keeping the boat is my thank you to Grace and to Christian. By marrying Christian I was given a new family, and when my Mom died, I realised one thing… Mom was never really a Mom to me. I loved her so much and she loved me but we were more like friends than we were Mother and daughter. Grace however, she has been a mother to me.

She was a Mom to me even before Christian died but when he died Grace was my saviour. She gave me life once more, showed me I was worthy of love and loving, she is my Mom, the only real Mom I've ever really known, as mentioned before Carla Adams was more of a friend than a mother.

Once anchored Luke and I help each other into our equipment and Adam happily records us while the Captain snaps some photos for us to add to the ever-growing scrap book we're keeping of our adventures.

"Ready?" Luke asks as we crouch down at the edge ready to fall back into the water. I smile and nod before I get my oxygen in place, this is going to be amazing. Luke nods at me and with one quick throw I'm tumbling.

Wow.

As soon as my sight is clear I am in complete and utter awe! The deep blue water is multi-coloured from the plant life to the animals. So much to see. I look at Luke who signals ok and I reply as he lifts the camera up and captures a picture, I'm shaking my head when a he fish swims past me… Luke captured it coming towards me! That's amazing.

I'm smiling beneath my mask. Luke swims to me and he takes a picture of the two of us just as above us everything darkens. We look up to see a shark! Wow! I'm scared, of course I am but we knew to expect visitors, just be careful, don't disturb them and they won't disturb us. We keep near still, just kicking the water to keep us afloat and not push us up or allow us to sink.

The shark passes without issue and I shake my head as my breathing relaxes. Luke takes another quick photo before tucking his hand into mine and we head off to explore. We see so many things, Luke snaps photos of the wildlife and of me and I use my camera to get him back.

This is beyond everything I has expected or imagined. I feel free, released of all emotions, it's so hard to describe how this all makes me feel!

Our time isn't long however and I'm sad when it's time to head back to the boat but I'm happy, we completed it and I know Christian and Hannah are smiling down at us!

The ride back to land is spent cuddling beneath a thin blanket, the day is slowly coming to an end and the sun is setting slowly. It's a time of quiet reflection for both of us, we have a mutual understanding, we've always had it there, when a dream is fulfilled we need time together but alone with our thoughts to think, reflect, remember.

It has been everything I imagined and more, it really has. I could imagine Christian however not being happy with me being in the water when there was a shark even though the shark showed absolutely no interest in us and Luke and I remembered our training, Christian would have had a fit while Luke was quietly holding my hand and also remembering our training.

It's hard to sit and try and imagine what it would be like to have this experience with Christian, even though I'm doing it because it is something he wanted to do with me I somehow can't quite conjure up a vivid image, not like I could when my journey started. Now it's hard to imagine doing this with anyone but Luke.

I'm still doing it for Christian and in memory of Christian but now I'm doing it with Luke, he is the man by my side now, he is the man who gave me a second chance at life, love and happiness and it means more to me than is describable. I know that the love Luke and I share will never be the same as what Christian and I shared but I really wouldn't change what my life has become.


	4. Chapter 4

**HUGE thank you to everyone who has wanted me to continue, sorry about the delay. I don't know when the next chapter will be up, I want to upload torn between two and Sins before the fourth chapter of this!**

**Steff x**

_**Sunday 18th August 2019**_

After seven days on the road Luke and I drop off the car in Brisbane. It's been amazing just us and the open road, sex in the car and one the car in daylight and night time, cheap motels and against a tree! I didn't think it would be like this, but it's been perfect, I couldn't have asked for a better honeymoon, now we're going to do my love. We have to return to the hotel for one night before our flight tomorrow and after driving down the coast for seven days we're quite a way away!

A cab drops us off at Brisbane river and I squeeze Sawyer's hand excitedly, I have been enjoying our holiday completely but this is what I have been most excited for.

"Mr and Mrs Sawyer, it's a pleasure to meet you!" Holland the owner of the vehicle shouts across the loud noise.

"Thank you for this Holland!" I reply holding my sunglasses to my face with one hand while Luke holds my hand tight and holds his own sunglasses up.

"No problem Mrs Sawyer, I believe she'll be in capable hands with you."

"Is she ready to go?"

"Absolutely." He grins and I shake his hand quickly before Luke and I run crouching towards the helicopter.

He gives me a quick push in before he runs around to the other side and climbs in beside me. I can't wait to be flying with my husband by my side across the most beautiful coastline I have ever seen! We're going to be in the air for three hours and once we've lifted off it's an easy journey from what I've been able to gather, the sun is shining the wind is near non-existent and it should be clear skies all the way!

"BNE this is Foxtrot Hotel Whiskey do you read me?" I ask as soon as the headphones are comfortably on and I'm strapped in and flicking switches all around me. I sound like an excited child but I don't care, I love flying, I can see now what Christian loved about it. It feels so free even though you can't do whatever you want, there are strict rules that must be followed when flying but it still feels freeing, you and the open air.

_We read you Foxtrot Hotel go ahead please?_

"Foxtrot Hotel Whiskey requesting take off from Brisbane River to QLD PTI Over."

Flight plan filed Foxtrot Whiskey, you may proceed with take-off in three minutes, have a safe journey.

"BNE any idea on the ETA?"

_Flight plan expected time three point four five hours ETA four thirty nine pm Foxtrot Hotel_

"Thank you over." I reply before switching the switch and looking at Luke, I smile and he gives me a thumbs up. I know I come across still as such an amateur flyer but I'm nothing but thorough.

BNE means Brisbane International Airport, normally I'm flying between Seattle and Portland and sometimes Seattle and Montana so I know those codes by heart but learning the ones for Australia was fun, especially seeing as I'm going to be flying through two different airspaces in a foreign country, the only thing that's good is that this helicopter is exactly the same as mine Charlie Golf II a Eurocopter 5 500, safest ever made, only difference is mine was made out of the former Eurocopter 135 Charlie Tango, it cost a few million more because of that but it was worth every one.

"BNE this is Foxtrot hotel taking off, over."

All clear Foxtrot Hotel, safe journey.

"You're truly in your element when you're flying Ana." Luke says as soon as he knows I've switched off Brisbane International from hearing us.

"I know." I reply though I can't look at him as I gently pull us from the ground and head up for the sky. I knock control on ready to announce my height as I watch the controls in front of me. We begin moving forward, still climbing but the flight is already smooth.

"BNE this is Foxtrot Hotel at six thousand feet over." I say as we hit mid altitude.

Foxtrot Hotel, proceed to ten thousand over.

I push up some more and I glance quickly at Luke, he loves being in the passenger seat beside me even on the shortest journey, he loves the view and his face always looks younger with joy and pleasure when we're in the air.

"BNE this is Foxtrot hotel at ten thousand feet high altitude, we see clear skies ahead over."

Foxtrot hotel proceed with flight plan, clear skies ahead over

I turn off the voice connection to BNE and give my husband a smile and he grins back before turning his attention to the view. I glance out and smile before resting back in my seat. This is the place, oddly enough, I feel most connected to Christian. For the first few months after I had my license I wouldn't fly anyone with me because the only reason I flew myself places was to feel connected to my love but now, I bring the kids up and Luke often and I fly for business and that often means bringing Ros or someone along with me and I enjoy flying them.

I started flying in the first week of May, just five months after Christian passed. I was scared at first and a big part of me knew should Christian be alive he would never have allowed me to do it and that almost stopped me. I mean, Christian was my everything, I only knew life as an adult with him and having to learn to do everything for myself again was strange, no one telling me not to do dangerous stuff and being over concerned about my safety, the only person who voiced any opinion against me flying was Grace and that's because the only real memory of Christian flying Charlie Tango she has is when he went missing before we were married.

Taylor helped me get the best lessons possible and I was soon having lessons of about three hours three times a week, it took me eleven months to get my license, I completed my forty hours quickly but I wasn't very confident so I took hundreds more hours before I was absolutely certain that I was ready to fly solo and with a license and on April twelfth two thousand and fifteen I flew myself to Portland and back with a license in my pocket.

Of course, after that I had Charlie Tango checked out and it turned out that the time it had been sitting it had begun to rust and it wasn't as reliable as it had been when Christian had flown it and so it was time for me to recycle her and buy another… I couldn't do it so I paid to get Charlie Tango made into Charlie Golf.

I can't imagine Christian ever sitting beside me while I fly a helicopter, I mean, he loved to fly and I think some of it was to do with his control issues, being able to be in control of a helicopter is an amazing rush, it always actually leaves me horny come to think of it! Christian wouldn't have let me within a hundred feet of a learning centre but with him gone I was able to do something amazing. I did it really to commemorate him, just as I learned to play piano and learn French though I must admit I think flying a helicopter is far easier and comes far more natural to me than either of the other things.

"CNS this is Foxtrot Hotel entering at ten thousand feet and heading towards QLD PTI over." I announce as we leave Brisbane airspace and enter into Cairns airspace, it's such a thrill of mine flying and I always feel like a giddy child or teenager when I announce that I'm in new airspace.

_Foxtrot Hotel we read you, bring altitude down to mid and continue to your destination over._

"Received and understood over." I smile and relax back in my seat bringing the helicopter down.

"You know, you look beautiful when you're concentrating." Luke says and I glance at him to see him staring at me.

"You know, there's a beautiful view just outside the window."

"This view is better." He says laughing and I can't help but smile.

"CNS this is Foxtrot Hotel at seven and a half thousand feet over."

_Received Foxtrot Hotel, proceed to PTI over._

There's a few low cloud as we head towards our destination and that does start to play with my head, having never flown here before I have to completely relay on the panels in front of me, what's in my head and my eye sight.

"CNS this is Foxtrot Hotel we have some stratus cloud around the vicinity of landing over."

_Foxtrot Hotel this is CNS are you able to land?_

"I don't see why not CNS, obstructed view at seven thousand but from my understanding clear skies from five." I reply, there is a reason these helicopters are the safest in its class, if you know how to read it you know exactly where the clear skies lie above and below and it's amazing, the helicopter I trained in didn't have that and so it took me a while to learn it all.

_Lower to five thousand and keep at five thousand Foxtrot Hotel._

"Understood Over." I groan, five thousand feet is really low, and I mean really low, especially in unknown skies. I bring her down slowly and at five thousand I have a perfect view once again.

"Well done Ana." Luke exclaims, I smile, I know he worries when we fly straight through cloud but it doesn't bother me usually but that's in skies I know, skies I've flown in all weather. Skies I could navigate in my sleep.

"Thanks, right we should be landing in ten minutes or so." I say looking at the dash, I know how to bring this down and I will do it safely, I just worry about the amount of space and air I have.

"CNS this is Foxtrot Hotel ready for landing over.

Proceed Foxtrot Hotel.

I bring the helicopter down slowly, waiving the tail a little too much for Luke's liking, I don't normally fool around but it's our honeymoon and I want to enjoy being sat here a moment longer. As soon as we touch down I turn everything off as I was told to by the owner when we spoke, he'll be personally picking her up in a few hours.

"So how was that?" I ask as Luke comes over and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"Babe I loved it." He grins as I hold around his waist tight and walk on a funny angle just so I can hold him and be held by him while we leave the keys with the manager who was expecting us. "I feel safe when you're flying you know that right?"

"You wouldn't fly with me if you didn't." I chuckle as he kisses the top of my head. "Can I have a piggy back?"

"Hop on." He chuckles and I do quickly.

Being on his back allows me to nuzzle my face in his neck, kiss him, tease him all the while being held by him. I adore it even though I have no idea how we really started this piggy back thing!

"So we have a few hours left of the day, should we go souvenir shopping?" Luke asks, we always get something for a selected few when we go on our trips, they include Grace and Carrick and Gail and Taylor and little Miss Courtney Ameera, my protégée as well as our children.

"I think we should or otherwise we'll have three very unhappy children on our hands Mr Sawyer." I say making a funny deep voice which has him laughing loudly. I love hearing him laugh, that first year after Hannah and after Christian, neither one of us did much laughing and now it's one of our favourite things to do, we spend a lot of time just being silly and acting like teenagers in order to make each other laugh.

As I am lowered from his back and take his hand my cell phone rings and I want to scream, one more day and we would have had our honeymoon without interruptions, too much wishful thinking I guess.

"Ana." I near sing into the handset as Luke begins making a talking puppet with his hand which has me sniggering into the phone. "Ok, thank you, no I'll see you in a couple of days. Yeah. Bye."

"Who was that?"

"Andrea." I reply depositing my phone back in my pocket so that we can resume our walk.

"And?"

"The story's broke and we've been photographed here." I say unhappily, the press are relentless but I had really hoped that Luke and I could announce our wedding when we got back to Seattle rather than being caught out while on our honeymoon but I guess that it's just not meant to be.

"I didn't see any press." Luke says quietly, he's musing now, wondering what it is he missed. He didn't miss anything, we both admitted he couldn't be my bodyguard anymore a long time ago because he was so distracted to ever actually be protecting me but that's ok because with our lives now he has to have some security at certain days of our lives.

"When do we ever Luke, we're always travelling, they catch us but by the time there's more of them we've gone again, it's how it's been and how it is." I smile, somehow the press are always on our tail but are lucky to catch us, especially with our flying in and out of the country and often across country. The press aren't that interested in me a lot of the time, my fashion can only be reported a few times a month before it's boring and my work is steady but these days Grey Records biggest held secret so they have to wait for me always, they never find snippets, they can't release anything without a legal battle on their hands and they've learned that but they have been very interested in mine and Luke's relationship.

It was hard at first, some papers even went so far as to say I was cheating on Christian the entire time which sickens me to my stomach but a higher amount of the press supported me and said they knew I wasn't cheating and that I was in no way jumping head first into a relationship, that was nice to have someone on my side in the press, the paparazzi are relentless sometimes!

"Oh here we are." Sawyer says pulling me out of my thoughts, they get dark sometimes and it's only Luke who can ever really take me out of the past and into the present. "Wedding bells ringing? Nope they rang a few days ago. Pictured here we have Washington's most loved couple holidaying in Australia and what do we have? Two rings! And he has one too! Yes ladies and gentlemen, sometime in the last week Ana Grey and Luke Sawyer her boyfriend of around four years (no dates have ever been given) have finally tied the knot, said I do and they're honeymooning in Queensland, here they are sitting on a bright red classic car while eating ice creams together… awww"

I have to laugh at the voice Luke puts on to read, he makes himself sound like an over enthusiastic teenage girl to give the impression of the person he believed wrote it.

"We'll have to give a statement when we get back to Seattle."

"Why?"

"You think the PR at Grey Records is going to let me brush this under the carpet? No way, we'll just release our wedding date and one photo babe it's all we can do."

"You have to focus on so much when we get back Ana, I don't want you to worry about press, not when we've been having it particularly easy."

Yeah, he says particularly easy because it has been, we avoid the press, go out without security but hidden, it's great. I've loved being able to walk down the street alone and just window shop, or actually shop and still have the career I have had over the past five years.

"Luke I'll be fine babe, ok? Trust me? I'm ready for everything that's coming I just need to finish a few things. We'll be fine." I tell him before leaning on my tiptoes and kissing his nose. "They're not here, that photo was taken near five days ago when we'd just hit the road Luke, they then lost us. Probably because we pulled an all-nighter and switched drivers whereas they had to stop and get some sleep! Can we please just enjoy the last day of our honeymoon?" I pout and he leans down and kisses my lips softly.

"We can enjoy it, come on let's go shopping." He smiles before clutching my hand again and smiling, thank fuck, I was worried that something would ruin the last day here for us but no, nothing has.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Tuesday 20th August 2019**_

"Good morning babe." Luke says as I straddle him, after getting home yesterday and spending all day with the kids it's back to life and reality today which means work so I'm waking my husband up with sex in our bed for the first time since we've been man and wife.

"Good morning my sexy, handsome, loving, husband." I say, kissing him in between each verb, he groans appreciatively, I feel him hard already and it makes me grin happily knowing that his erection is for me.

"My beautiful, sexy, insatiable wife. What have you got planned for this morning?" He asks as I rub myself on his erection, stimulating us both without penetration.

"I want to fuck you this morning before I have to endure a very long day traveling from Grey's House to AG to Grey Records."

"Oh Mrs Sawyer we're going to have to do something about that dirty little mouth of yours." He teases as he pumps his hip in time against my rubbing, fucking humping like horny teenagers and I love it. He will be the only one to know me as Mrs Sawyer, in my professional life I'm keeping Grey because it is simply absolutely necessary.

"How about you do just that Mr Sawyer?" I ask and just as soon as the words are out of my mouth he's flipped me over and I'm flat on my back looking up at the handsome face of my beloved.

What can appear quite shocking sometimes is how I didn't see the real Luke before. I was so blinded by Christian's love and sexpertise I never once looked for anyone else, when I did start looking there was only one man who ever made me feel anything, and that was Luke. I did go on some other dates, kissed a few other men but they never did anything but when my lips touched Luke the second time, there were sparks and those sparks these days are fireworks, my love for Luke grew, slowly, like a planted seed being watered but it was the same for him.

I always knew he was attractive, don't get me wrong you can't have a bodyguard like I did and not notice them but I was never looking for anything else because of Christian, now I realise just how fucking attractive he is, he's gorgeous especially with his Aussie tan and sparkling eyes. His eyes have sparkled every day since our wedding day and I know the same sparkle is in mine too.

"Would you like me to fill that mouth of yours Mrs Sawyer?"

"Hmm yes please." I reply giggling like a school girl, Jeez a month of thirty and this man can make me feel sixteen.

"With my tongue? Or do you have something else in mind?" He asks just nudging my clit with his erection, oh fuck.

"Your tongue, please your tongue." I beg shamelessly, I want his tongue because that means he'll fuck me.

"Oh your wish is my command." He growls before thrusting into me and slamming his lips on mine.

Oh fuck this is heaven on earth, I see stars and planets as he fucks me hard and fast, this is just one way we fuck though, we have many ways.

I remember the first time we had sex… or tried too.

_**Saturday 9th July 2016**_

_Luke and I have been dating now for over a year, we've been on countless dates, made out like teenagers and you could even say gone to third base but we've yet to have sex. Why? I'm scared I'm not ready and I think, he's scared to. _

_But tonight is it, we've enjoyed a wonderful dinner right here at the Fairmount and we both have flirted shamelessly throughout the meal from feeding each other, to me running my foot up his calf. I know he's booked a room while I've been freshening up and I can't wait. _

_Once the bill is paid we make our way up in the elevators. We're in a suite just not the presidential, the last thing either of us need to be reminded of tonight is my ex-husband, he took me there countless times… enough Ana!_

_Arriving the suite, we waste no time in getting down to it. There's a primal need in us both and we're like animals, all teeth and tongue as we tear at each other's clothes. _

_He has me naked and on the couch, my legs open and his tongue gets to work on my hot, wet core. Fuck my life, I haven't had an orgasm since Christian died, to ashamed to give one to myself… it doesn't take long before I'm exploding and Luke's lips are on mine while I turn the tables on him. _

_I get on my knees and my mouth encircles his rock hard erection. I suck long and hard, my hands fondle his balls and like me, he doesn't take long. Something tells him it may have been as long for him as it has been for me. _

"_Ana, not here." He says as I climb up to straddle him, I'm confused. "The bed, I want to worship you, treat you like you deserve to be treated with Love, please Ana." He's pleading and who am I to deny him, in all honesty I don't want this to be fast and appear meaningless either, Luke… he is it for me… I know that now, Christian died, he's gone and he wanted me to move on but if Luke and I broke up… I couldn't face it again and if he died… I think I would die too, to lose one you love is hard to lose two… I don't even want to think about that. _

_Once one the bed he begins kissing me all over, stroking, exploring the map that is my body. He murmurs gentle words of reassurance, love and devotion, I feel each and every one of them in my heart but in my soul there's a sadness, a dark sadness that is haunting me. I can't put my finger on what it is. I want this… right?_

"_Luke." I moan as he rubs my thighs but as he parts them I can't… "Luke stop!"_

"_What? Are you ok what is it Ana?" He asks stopping his journey in a panic, I have tears flowing down my cheeks, I feel terrified and hurt and I can't put my finger on it…_

"_I can't…"_

"_That's ok."_

"_No it's not!"_

"_You're not ready…"_

"_I want to…"_

"_I know." He nods and grabs the comforter, wrapping it around my body. My cheeks are glowing red with shame as he cradles me, I'm not crying, he has seen me cry way to much over the past year and few months and I don't want to cry anymore. I want to make love to him, to feel him inside me but something is stopping me. _

"_I'm so confused." I sigh against his chest. _

"_It's just not the right time." Luke replies. "Maybe it's here, the wrong place."_

"_We could go back to mine."_

"_There are many reasons we can't do that." He says and I nod in agreement. I couldn't have him in my house, not in the house I shared with Christian. Having sex with another man in the same house would be completely wrong, even if it was in a guest room and not the bedroom, it doesn't matter it's still Christian's home… I couldn't do it and it's the same reason why we can't go back to his place, the apartment he shared with Hannah. _

"_Come on, let's get some pyjamas on and get into bed, Grace and Carrick have the kids until morning so we can sleep here, hold each other and just sleep." Luke says… how the fuck did I get so lucky? Twice? He's the second man I've let into my soul, heart and mind and he's just as kind, thoughtful and caring as Christian was if not more… it's shocking how lucky I have been… but in the same sense hey how many people lose their Mother, best friend and husband in two years and still call themselves fucking lucky? _

Luke and I slept together that night, just holding each other. It wasn't the first time. With our travelling we found ourselves wrapped in each other's arms at night long before we had romantic feelings, we sought comfort and care from each other and from that the romantic feelings came. We were both encouraged by our respective shrinks to wait to have sex and we did wait, over a year and three months. Two years and seven months after Christian died I had my first orgasm since his death.

I lay panting beside my husband as I come down from the high he took me, he's smiling like the cat who got the cream and I shake my head. Bad husband!

"Time to start the day?" I ask as he leans back.

"I'm 'fraid so babe but I promise you, there's a lot more where that came from." He says as I sit up and begin kissing his shoulder as he tugs on a pair of boxers.

"Are you sorting the kids?"

"Yeah because you need to be in Grey's House, you've got things to do."

"Ok… I'll see you at AG?"

"Of course. I'll make you some tea and toast, it will be waiting for you after your shower, you can't go into a full office meeting stinking of sex."

"Oh I can… I'm the boss." I shrug as he pulls on some drawstring pants.

"You… are so bad." He says leaning over and kissing me and as he does his fingers gives my nipples a tweak making me gasp.

"And you call me bad." I mutter panting already…

He just laughs and heads down to get the kids up and ready for their tutor to arrive leaving me to get ready for work.

* * *

I walk into Grey's house dressed to impress in a suit by Albert Nipon, black pants and ruffle front jacket with thick black belt but being true to me and who I've become over the past seven or so years I'm wearing killer yellow pointed toes pumps by Saint Laurent, it screams I'm Ana, I own this place and I'm also a two time double platinum selling album writer and singer. Yeah. That's who I am.

Around my neck a necklace Luke bought me for my birthday three years ago that simply says "This above all to thine self be true" It has always been my necklace of choice when I am in need of an inner voice of courage!

On my fingers, which are being checked out by every person I walk past, my gold engagement ring with three stones, one centre ruby with two diamonds on the side and with it, my gold diamond covered wedding ring.

I arrive the top floor and straighten myself out as Andrea stands and smile, yes, she's still here.

"Good morning." She smiles as she always does when I visit, normally her work comes in from emails and from Ros but I know she enjoys working directly for me like she did for Christian.

"Andrea could you please call Ros let her know I've arrived so she can update me before the meeting announce it will be in the foyer please and I want everyone there."

"Of course Mrs G… still Grey?" She asks uncertain and I laugh, I can't help it.

"Yes still Grey, oh while you're on it can you get Rebecca from PR to come see me first thing before this meeting, but I need to see Ros first."

"Of course… Good honeymoon?"

"The best." I smile, Andrea does border on the line between completely professional and personal. "How's Amelia?" I ask about her daughter who is two years old now, and is adorable.

"Oh she's doing well, keeping me busy. Oh and since your wedding story broke there have been cards, gifts, flowers and all sorts coming in. I had the flowers transported to Seattle Grace and delivered to patients but I kept the cards they're on your desk, also the gifts are piled high on the coffee table and spread onto the couch. Your cards are on the desk too also any cheques sent have been forwarded to the charities and their names and amount and charity written in a list, also on your desk. The thank you note is written and ready for your signature once you've approved it, again on your desk."

"I knew there was a reason I kept you around." I wink making her laugh and I can't help but laugh with her. "I'll check out the notes and sign them, you might have an afternoon spent opening gifts though because I have no time to do it today, I'm only here this morning. After the meeting if you get started..." I start to walk to the office and she follows me with her iPad 20 in her hand, notes being taken as quickly as she can though I know she's recording my voice too. "… personalised gifts are kept, from people you know are close to me again kept, everything else can go to charities or goodwill or sell them on ebay and the money go to our charities please. I may have to just sign one card and you photocopy it or forge it because again I really don't have time."

We enter my office and I see an explosion of gifts covering the couch and coffee table and I shake my head and make my way over to the desk.

"Is that everything Mrs Grey?"

"That's everything… well a Latte would be nice Andrea please, and thank you."

"No problem Mrs Grey, I'll call Ros now and have her come up and bring your coffee and call Rebecca."

"Thank you Andrea." I smile as she goes out the door shutting it behind her already pulling the Bluetooth ear piece from her pocket so she can call and work at the same time.

My breath exits my body as I relax once again. I look at the gold name plate with Christian Grey CEO written on it. The only thing that has really changed is it was once on the other side where my name stands and now it's on the inside where I can see it from my desk.

I spend very little time at Grey's House. The explosion that happened my first day back here is enough to make me never want to come here again. I was so angry…

**AN: Please keep an eye on dates, otherwise it will get confusing! Next chapter is a flashback, the chapter after will be back to this day… see what I mean? LOL!**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Monday 10th February 2014**_

_I stand in Christian's office afraid to move, terrified even. It's been just five weeks since he was cruelly snatched away from me and our children. James is such a good baby, not as easy as India was but so good, hearing him cry makes me smile, even though I do my best to make it stop, hearing him cry reminds me that he and I could have perished in that accident too. _

_Being in Christian's office without him here is strange. I know I can touch whatever I want but I also feel like I'm intruding. I barely ever came here as it was. I slowly make my way over to the desk and I see the letters addressed to me from Christian's lawyers. I know what they contain so I don't think I'll open them now. _

_The papers transferring name were all signed on Friday in the presence of Christian's law team and my lawyers and Carrick holding my hand. It was horrible. I felt sick every time I penned my signature. I couldn't have done it without Carrick, he explained everything my Lawyer's explained and his Lawyer's explained slowly and in a manner that reminded me he cared about me and how it turned out. _

_What I know now is that I, Anastasia Rose Grey, am the owner of seven offshore bank accounts and two American bank accounts which does not include the business accounts, throughout each account is a few million dollars. After the inheritance gifts were taken out which the law team dealt with, I signed on the dotted lines to have the names on the accounts changed to mine. I near fainted when I found out between all the accounts there was not far off half a billion dollars. This did not include my own money or the money that's tied up in the businesses. _

_I never ever realised he was so rich. I mean I knew he was a multi-billionaire but I also knew that most of the money was stuck in GEH and its belongings. Like I'm a multi-millionaire but with most of the money tied up in AG, I'm lucky to have maybe a million spread out between two offshore accounts and my actual account in the USA, that is the profits from the books and albums. My money. The business money is not my money it's the businesses. _

_What else I know is that I am completely tied down to GEH until India's twenty first birthday. I, until that day, own all of Christian's shares other than what he gave Ros which means I am the controlling interest, actually I own about ninety percent and more of GEH until India's twenty first birthday where thirty five percent becomes hers and a year later thirty five percent becomes James'. This means that even if I sold of my share which is around twenty eight percent of the company that is owned solely by me, I will never be free of GEH until India and James are twenty one._

_It shocks me that Christian put me in this position. What I do know is that he obviously trusts me to look after GEH for the next twenty years but I can't help but also feel tied down to him, like I'll never fully be allowed to move on. Carrick did say that I could elect a trustee too take care of the kids thirty five percent and sell off or give away my share in order to have no involvement with GEH but I couldn't do that to Christian, he asked me to take care of it until or kids were old enough and I will do just that. _

"_Hey Ana, how are you doing?" Ros asks as she walks into the office, she looks around and sighs, yeah I guess we both miss him. _

"_I'm ok." I say quietly, everyone knows that's a lie. _

"_Are you ready to do this? I will be right by your side the entire time."_

"_I don't get what I need to do." I say desperately, Carrick pushed me to come in and said it was necessary but I never understood quiet why. _

"_All you have to do is tell them their jobs are safe, that GEH will continue to run like it always has done just without Christian."_

"_Will it though? Ros I don't have any idea what I'm doing, I've signed what I can to give you the power but I'm still in over my head! What was Christian thinking?!"_

"_Ana you can do this. Christian knew you could do this when he decided it. You're going to be ok, I'm going to help you ok? But the staff need reassurance from you."_

"_Ok." I nod quietly and just get on with it. _

"_We've called them all into the lobby, it's the only place really big enough to hold everyone. So are you ready?" Ros offers me her hand and I take it, needing her reassurance completely right now. _

_We walk out of the office and Taylor follows behind me keeping his distance but not completely. I have to reassure the workers, let them know that I absolutely will not be closing down GEH and their jobs are safe. That's all I have to do today and then I can go and get out of here._

_We take the elevator down and I instantly see hundreds of people, all GEH workers. It's quite a scary thought that every single one of these people are afraid of losing their livelihoods because Christian's gone. _

_Ros takes me over to the stairs that lead up to the first floor and we walk up to the fifth step so that everyone can see us. I look around and I'm so nervous, this is horrible!_

"_Good morning everyone, thank you for joining us this morning, we won't keep you long but Mrs Grey has some words she'd like to say." Ros announces, giving me a moment to catch my breath. _

"_Thank you Ros, yes good morning everyone. I just wanted to let you all know that your jobs are safe as long as you keep up the high standard Mr Grey expected from you. I am now the CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings however I will not be spending majority of my time here, you will be answering to Ros. However, just because I'm not here does not mean I don't care about this company or the employees. Christian…" My voice breaks and Ros puts her hand on my back as I compose myself. "Christian built this company from the ground up, he made this all possible and we will continue his work in his memory. Thank you that's all I have to say." _

"_Ok?" Ros asks as she gives me a friendly hug, it's not like her really but I guess she knows right now I need comfort and support and she's trying, it's nice to know. _

"_I'm fine. I just need to get out of here." I say desperately. _

"_**Mrs Grey running the company? There won't be a company left by the end of the month"**_

"_**Who'd have thought he gave her this place in his will, he obviously had a lot less business sense than we first thought."**_

"_**If there was a will that is, I mean if she has this place then maybe there wasn't even a will in the first place."**_

"_**Whatever it was I don't see this place being half as successful without Mr Grey."**_

_Hearing these words has my anger near boiling point. Taylor collects me from Ros and I march out of Grey's House determined to put as much space between us as is possible. I don't ever see myself being able to step foot inside of there again, never again. It hurts too much and to hear the employees say such things…_

_I understand that they are loyal to Christian but shouldn't they be a little more supportive, Christian gave me this, he trusted me… _

_Taylor opens the passenger door and I am quick to climb in and get comfortable. I close my eyes and blink back the tears as my anger continues to build. I am so angry beyond angry I'm furious. _

"_Escala Taylor." I say as soon as the trusted security is in the driver's seat. His eyes meet mine in the rear-view and I raise my eyebrows._

"_Are you sure Ana?"_

"_Escala Taylor." I say near channelling Christian, there was a time where Taylor wouldn't have questioned a request by my husband, but I'm not Christian so he'll challenge me…_

_The drive over has me over thinking everything. I am so frustrated. How dare he put me in this position? I can never be free of GEH even when India and James are both twenty one I'll still own around twenty eight percent of the company… how fair is that? I don't want it! I don't want any of it. _

_As soon as the car has stopped I throw away protocol and I am out the door and in the elevator leaving Taylor behind. The elevator travels up and up, rising like the tide of my anger, my fury. _

_Once in Escala I see nothing has changed. It's clean, spotless, it's obvious Mrs Taylor comes over regularly to keep on top of it though we rarely use it. I go from room to room almost as if hunting for something. I check every cupboard, closet, storage space, and then I get to the room I thought I'd probably avoid. _

_I don't waste time. I have the door unlocked and the smell of pine and citrus engulf my senses. The lights come on and the red of the walls hit me hard, I see nothing but red. I'm quickly out the door leaving it wide open and I find exactly what I need in one of the storage spaces I had checked. _

_I return to the room and I unleash my rage. The sledge hammer in my hand is heavy, so heavy, but in my ferocity I have the strength I need to lift it. Wood splinters as the St Andrew's cross receives the first whack from the hammer. I hit it again and again till it is no longer clear what the object is. _

_Next comes the whipping bench, my resentment and wrath unbridled. I hit it again, and again, over and over till it's just splinters of wood on the floor. Then comes the bed. I drop the hammer and I begin tearing at the leather with my bare hands, sending the pillows flying once I've ripped the silk into shreds. I grab the hammer again and swing it high above my head, the ringing in my hands from it hitting the meta above my head is nothing right now. I do it again and again it does nothing. In my frenzy I march over to the drawers that hold our toys and I take the hammer to it. I see the wood splinter and break and I don't stop. I just hit it and hit it and hit it, over and over and over, no pausing even for a breath. Once I see the toys all scattered on the floor and the drawers now nothing I walk to the music box, and the hammer goes to that, wrecking it in one violent whack. _

_I'm drained. The hammer falls to the floor and I fall to my knees and sob. I have nothing left now. Nothing but emptiness in my heart. _

_I cry and cry and cry. I scratch at my face trying to calm, trying to feel something, anything but this desolation and hollowness. _

"_Taylor." I croak as my chest heaves, I feel like I've run a marathon and I am sapped of all energy. "Call Sandra and Flynn please." _

_I knew he was there, standing back and watching from the doorway. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his mind. Maybe he sees I've finally cracked, finally lost it all. My sanity gone. _


	7. Chapter 7

_**Tuesday 20th August 2019**_

It shocking how far I've come from there. I never thought I would be able to feel anything but complete pain and anger again. Sandra and John answered Taylor's call for help and the two of them helped me lie down and stuck around until I'd rested. I then found out I had every right to be angry, not just at the workers but at Christian too, he'd put me in a situation that I clearly disliked and he wasn't even here for me to yell at. Normal. That was what it was and I was relieved to hear that. A part of the grieving process.

That was the last time I ever stepped foot in Escala. I had Gail Taylor there a couple of days later removing all the personal belongings so they could be sorted at the house on the sound and then I had Taylor organise for the playroom to be cleared and re-decorated before I put it on the market. It sold for near ten million dollars and the money was split between the kids trust funds. I didn't want anything to do with it. Just like that a big part of mine and Christian's history was gone.

I had debated keeping it for the kids but it was never their home, it was never their place. They had no memories or history there and I just wanted it gone. I didn't need it and I knew I never would be able to go there again. It was quick and painless getting rid of it and really I never thought about the place again. Just being there that one time was hard enough, the walls were haunted with the ghost of a past at the time I couldn't face. Of course, now I look at the place when in Seattle with fondness but I have no regret in selling it.

"Ana hey how are you?" Ros smiles coming into the office. "Wow look like a gift machine exploded in here."

I chuckle as I hug my friend and confidant. I have gotten to know Ros so well over the years, she was one person who wasn't family that was at my wedding to Luke.

"I'm well Ros and tell me about it, I can't believe the wedding story broke before we could release it. Just my luck, how bad has it been for PR?"

"Eh." She shrugs. "Nothing they couldn't handle. So I have a few things for you to sign quickly before we head on downstairs."

"I'm seeing Rebecca first, I need to get her to release a statement. She won't need to be at the meeting then and get on with it."

"So you're still going by Mrs Grey then?"

"It would be so much hassle to change everything and my name is one part of Christian I don't think I want to let go of." I say sadly and she smiles and rubs my shoulder, she was there for me these past five years, she taught me I could do this, I could be the CEO of GEH and even though I don't put as much in as Christian, my job really is to just keep it going for the kids. I know that it's doing well, I know our profits are well above average as always and more importantly we still buy dying businesses and make them a success. I work with Ros on business plans mainly by phone, I attend meetings when necessary and nothing goes ahead without my say.

I sign the papers Ros has for me. One of them is extremely important, it's the document that transfers the deed of my house over to Luke. It's all I can give him. I didn't know it then, but over the years I have learned about the clauses in Christian's will. If Luke and I divorce he can't get anything. Nothing. Other than the house, but if it's in his name already then it's not an issue.

Some may say I'm mad but if Luke and I divorce then I don't want the house he helped me make a home.

"Ok now that's done, I just need to see Rebecca." I say before knocking the intercom button on the desk. "Andrea please send in Rebecca." I say before relaxing back in my chair giving Ros a tired smile, she knows I hate this, being in this office pretending I'm in charge, channelling Christian.

Rebecca enters nervously, poor woman has been on the wrong side of my wrath numerous times over the years because AG deals with my publicity more than Grey House, I mean Ros and I even agreed to downscale the department last year as Christian made it bigger when my career kicked off and with me having a team of my own, five people who work directly on my personal and private life there was just no need for a team like it at Grey House.

"Rebecca can you please send out a memo letting all the press know that the marriage indeed happened on the ninth of August, that representatives from Grey House were present and that Grey House is in full support of Mrs Grey's nuptials, make it clear that the name is staying Grey. That's all, no details AG will release two images and a personal statement from me."

"Is that everything Mrs Grey."

"Yes Rebecca, you won't need to attend the meeting downstairs I'll just be saying the same thing." I say before she scurries out.

"Ready to go down?" Ros asks as I lock up the desk, I'm not here often enough to leave it unlocked. I know Andrea is the only one with a key to the office but she does not have a key for the desk, only I have one of those and I keep a lot of things relating to Christian in there that I don't want at my house that I share with Luke. The desk itself is littered with the same photos of Christian and I that he had put there and I have added a few of the kids over the years, there's barely room to work on the desk these days because I cannot for the life of me remove a single picture.

"Yeah." I smile and I get up to follow her down.

The elevator ride is quick and doing this is again a reminder of the first time I stood and faced all the staff, however this time I am full of confidence, I know what I'm doing. The staff respect me now and it's respect I have earned. They know me as their boss.

Once on the ground floor everyone watches quietly as Ros and I take to the stairs like always when we have meetings like this. But this time she doesn't address them, she just stands beside me as a silent supporter.

"Good morning everyone, glad to see you all here." I smile clasping my hands together in front of me, my shoulders squaring a little as I show them I'm in charge. "I've called this meeting to address what has been in the newspapers while I was away in Australia. It's true that on August Ninth I married my long term partner Luke Sawyer who I know you're familiar with from him being around here. I want to assure that I am still Mrs Grey, I'm keeping my name and also that I am still in charge, Mr Sawyer will have no dealings GEH except through the company Personal Security Solutions which GEH bought shares in last year. Nothing has changed just because I have another ring on my finger. If anyone has a problem with my marriage please don't hesitate to contact Andrea to set up a meeting with me, I'm sure I can find time to fit you into my schedule. Don't forget that I am flying out in November to start a world tour so any concerns should be brought to the table before then. Any questions?" I add the last bit with a lot of sarcasm, I always do as the memory of my first visit here penetrates my mind. "No? Good then I guess we all can get on with our day."

**I am on a break from fan fiction, I hope to get another chapter done on the weekend but I am away to focus writing my noveletta!**

**Thanks everyone!**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Tuesday 20th August 2019**_

I walk into Grey records grinning happily. This is where I feel most at home, this is my place. Quietly in the background one of my biggest records play quietly and I glance around the quiet reception as Christa grins at me from behind the counter.

"Hey Mrs Grey how's things?" She asks kindly, she's such a friendly and boisterous person, I'm so happy she works for me.

"Great thanks Christa." I grin as I step up to the desk, she flicks her platinum blond hair over her shoulder and I see her knew colour. "Blue?" I ask referencing the bright colour on the bottom layer of her hair.

"Yeah, got bored of red." She shrugs.

I take a moment to look around my baby, Grey records Seattle. When Christian bought this place I don't know what he had planned to do with it, I agreed to record just one song and now lining the walls are two double platinum albums with my name on and two others that went platinum.

Music was my saviour after Christian's death, I threw myself into music after Kristin Chenoweth talked some sense into me and singing and writing music became my world for a long time. 90% of the songs I sing now are ones I wrote myself, I rarely sing anyone else's.

On the back wall behind the desk is a huge picture of me and my protégée Courtney Ameera from one of the numerous photoshoots we have done over the years, it's one of my favourite pictures because we're all in rock chick get up and we're both laughing, the photographer caught a real money shot with it. On either side there are other pictures of Courtney and I full size and around them individually small album covers and single covers of our individual work and the collaborations we have done over the year.

"Glad to be back?" Christa asks pulling me out of my revere.

"Honey I'm home." I tease making her laugh. "Is my Courts around?" I ask and Christa just nods her head in the direction of the studios.

"She's getting ready for the tour."

"She'll end up over-rehearsing if she carries on." I joke, for me there's no such thing as over-rehearsing.

I cast one more glance at the picture of Courtney and I before heading off to find her.

It's no surprise that I find her in my studio, the one I recorded my entire first album in, the one that is now called Studio Christian. It was the only active studio when he ran the place, the building has been expanded and now has five big studios and three smaller more intimate studios, I had Grey Construction completely re-model the building when I realised I had too many artists for one studio.

Grey Records is a success and I'm so proud of it. Far more proud than I've ever been of AG, this place saved my life, gave me light in the darkness, it bought me back from the darkest depths of hell.

"Ana!" Courtney squeals as she steps out from the door. "Oh I'm so glad you're home!"

Courtney is just twenty five years old but she's my best friend, little sister and daughter all rolled into one. I found her when I was handing out the diplomas at WSU in Christian's memory three years ago and I overheard her singing one of my songs in the bathroom, I knew then and there that I had to sign her, she signed on the dotted line seven days later and we recorded a single together within a month and she was a national star by the end of the year.

"I've missed you." I say giving her a hug. Her tanned skin is warm to the touch and as she pulls away I see her dark brown eyes twinkling.

"I've missed you!" She says promptly. "Oh I'm so sorry you got papped!"

"Ah it was bound to happen."

"Well I've been through the wedding pics and I know which one you should release to the media."

"You went through the pictures?" I ask in shock, I knew they'd be ready but I didn't think anyone could see them before Luke and I.

"Sorry." She blanches a little and I laugh and shake my head, I don't mind in the slightest.

"It's fine."

"So how's Luke?"

We have a brief catch up about the past three weeks, our families and then I'm dragged into the booth and Courtney demands that I sing one of our songs with her, not giving me the chance to really say hello to the technicians but they're not the techs I usually work with so it doesn't really matter.

The music begins and I see Courtney rocking her head, her eyes closed as she gets lost in the music. I know I'm most definitely home now.

"You know the bed feels warmer

Sleeping here alone

You know I dream in colour

And do the things I want."

Courtney sings with such passion, elegance and grace, even with more upbeat songs like this one she's just amazing. I feel blessed every day that I found her and signed her and even more so that our voice blend perfectly, her tone is lower than mine but just our natural tones blend perfectly so while she most often carries the main tune I do the overlays and on both of our albums we back each other up, it's the perfect arrangement.

"Thing you've got the best of me

Think you've had the last laugh

Bet you think everything good is gone."

I sing happily, relish in the comfort I'm feeling. I enjoy this, love it, gain so much from it personally. The emotion I have singing is always good, doesn't matter on the song.

"Think you left me broken down.

Thinking I'll come running back

Baby you don't know me because you're dead wrong."

Courtney and I know when to break, come in, blend, harmonise, we've worked with each other so much. We can be given a new song from Lila or each other and we can sit and work it out. I didn't think I'd ever work with anyone like this, dueting with someone other than Christian the first time was a nightmare.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger,

Just me myself and I,

What doesn't kill you makes stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone."

I rock my body happily as I sing with Courtney, I'm in my element with her, it doesn't matter about the age difference. I have faith Courtney made herself who she is in this industry but she insists she couldn't have done it without me, I don't think I'd have made it as far without her, when I wasn't working on me and my music I was working with her and her music, it gave me a break from the emotions that sometimes overrode me. For the first two years after Christian I wouldn't sing a love song, my first album after his death didn't have a single love song on it, not even one in his memory, it was far too painful.

"You heard that I was starting over with someone new"

"They told you I was a moving on over you."

"Didn't think that I'd come back,

I came back swinging,

You tried to break me but you see"

I open my eyes and look to the glass to see my husband stood smiling and nodding. What the heck is he doing here? He's supposed to be over at AG running his own company.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger,

Just me myself and I,

What doesn't kill you makes stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone."

I perform to him, it's just me and him in my mind, even though I hear Courtney's voice in my ear I can't see her, my eyes are fixed on Luke's and I'm hypnotised. I smile as I rock, my mouth an inch away from the microphone as the techs work on the levels, it doesn't make a difference, we'll have to re-adjust all the volumes on the tour due to the places we'll be in, the different arenas and concert halls and stadiums over the world.

"Thanks to you I got a new thing started." Courtney sings, taking everything she has to hit the higher notes, ones that I don't really struggle with in the same way.

"Thanks to you I'm not a broken hearted." This line rings true to Luke and I and I smile as Courtney takes over once more.

"Thanks to you I'm finally thinking bout me."

"You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning."

"In the end." We harmonies perfectly, it doesn't matter that it's been months since we sang this song together, it just happens, almost like magic.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger,

Just me myself and I,

What doesn't kill you makes stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone."

Courtney sings the main tune and I happily do the harmonies over her, she is lost in the music and doesn't see the playful seduction and flirting coming from me towards Luke, he's grinning like a Cheshire cat as he sits back and rubs his chin with his finger, sniggering as he enjoys the dance.

Once the song finishes I'm exhausted, there's a reason we do vocal warm ups, my throat gets strained towards the end of that song even more so without a warm up. Courtney spots Luke and waves before urging me out towards my husband before she signals a number to the techies so she can get on with practising.

"What are you doing here?" I ask taking Luke's hand as we step out of the studio into the corridor.

"Is it cheesy that I miss you?" He asks playfully and I can't help but giggle, he makes me feel like a teenager all the time.

"Nope." I pop my P as I wrap my arms around his neck. "But you should be working."

"Eh, Taylor's got everything, and I bought lunch."

"Oh! I am starving." I say rubbing my tummy, I don't eat a big breakfast on meeting days at Grey's house, I simply can't stomach it so by lunch like this I'm like a feral beast in need of food.

"I thought you might be. To the office." He says pointing the way, as if I didn't know!

**Ok so I know it's been a while. There's more of this to come, I have the story planned just writing it takes a while LOL. I hope to update soon again but no promises. **

**In the mean time you should check out my Novella Meeting My Master, now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo and WHSmiths! This is the first in a series of seven the second due out May 11****th ****!**

Thanks guys! :D xx


End file.
